We have all witnessed children throwing tantrums in grocery stores and malls – wailing and flailing until the embarrassed mother buys the desired item to stop the scene. We have seen the headlines about children attacking other children and adults abusing youngsters. We have learned of the huge increase in the numbers of children medicated for unac-ceptable behaviors, poor academic performance and severe discipline problems in the home. Taking all of this into consideration, we can all agree that successful, positive parenting practices are desperately needed in our society today.
Positive parenting requires a systematic method that is well-planned and practical for today's harried schedules. To be effective, parenting practices must be carried out consistently on a daily basis. When parents improve their skills, their children behave more appropriately, and the parent-child relationship benefits.
Positive Language In All Communications
Many parents believe that as long as they are not hitting or slapping children, all is well. Unfortunately, few adults are aware of the power of the spoken word. Parents' yelling at children, name-calling, sarcasm and “put-downs” contribute to life-long emotional damage. Most of us are unaware of the negativity that seeps into verbal communications, not only with our children but also with significant others and co-workers. Powerful transformations occur when we begin to make a conscious effort to monitor and censor all of our spoken words.
With children, it is important to notice when they act as we desire and then to immediately lavish positive verbal praise upon them when they do. Unfortunately, it is more common for adults to pounce on children with criticism for having done something wrong. But when a parent uses positive comments, children notice the difference and tend to keep the positive behavior, as well as model the new, positive language use.
Established Rules & Enforceable Consequences
Family rules and consistently enforced consequences are very important in order for children to discern right from wrong. Children who do not have set rules learn by experience when they have done something unacceptable. A parent often sends mixed messages when doling out punishment for an inappropriate behavior. For example, an improper action may result in discipline on Monday and then be completely ignored on Tuesday. Disciplinary actions that range, for instance, from two weeks of grounding to a brief scolding for the same offense also send mixed messages to children.
Stress, frustration and exhaustion contribute to this hit-and-miss approach to discipline. Establishing several comprehensive, family-wide rules and attaching appropriate consequences for each are two keys to consistently implementing “discipline with a smile” in the home. Teaching a child exactly how to do what the parent expects rather than assuming that he or she already knows is a fair and just way to set expectations for young people. Parents can justifiably mete out consequences when they are certain that the child clearly understands the rules and still chooses to break them.
Time Management & Regular Family Meetings
Parents need to be aware of how children in the home are spending their time. Regularly scheduled family meetings are a forum for teaching family unity, family activity planning, decision-making and goal setting. When parents learn these techniques and implement them, a balance of work, chores and fun can be achieved in every family member's life. Children come to appreciate and look forward to family meetings because communication is remarkably improved and sibling battles dramatically decrease.
Responsibilities & Choice-making For Children
Children place far more value on things that they have earned than on those that have been given to them. Happily, this principle opens the door for setting up a system of goals and responsibilities for children to accomplish, and then rewarding them with points when they achieve their goals. Such a system allows children to “cash in” those points to acquire desired goods and services from parents. This exchange for the performance of desired behaviors eliminates the begging, nagging, cajoling or other such activity born of frustration from the parent or child trying to get what they want from the other. Parents using this simply structured method have reported their children enthusiastically participating to receive a coveted item or hearing a child ask for an additional chore to earn more points. Negotiation soon replaces arguing and nagging. Most importantly, giving children responsibilities, helping them to set goals and letting them live with the outcomes of their decisions are lifetime gifts to any child.
Judy McCracken is a retired public school administrator who directed programs for special-needs children in a consortium of sixteen Ohio school districts. She also served as an instructor in several Ohio colleges and universities. She is the creator and President of the McCracken Method for Positive Parenting Practices, which features a six-week course available to any parent having legal custody of children. It is appropriate for use by any parent with children up to age 21. For more information, visit her website at www.mccrackenpositiveparenting.com or call (440) 357-6517.
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