Horse Sense for the Human Heart
By Jackie Lowe Stevenson

How can I cultivate a communicative and interactive relationship with my 25-year-old daughter? We have lost or underdeveloped our interactions in life. My communication skills can be elementary, and I always seem to say things that irritate her and inhibit communication. (I was a 2005 guest of the loving herd and have confidence in its response.)

I was cleaning the pasture, lost in rhythmic movement and peaceful place of quiet. I felt a tingle on my neck and the warm breath of Be, the wondrous black Clydesdale mare. She was standing over me breathing softly down my neck and offering her quiet company as I worked. She followed me with silent curiosity as I moved about. My heart filled with warmth and love from her to me or me to her – I am not sure, probably both. Love not requested nor earned. It is simply offered and received. Unable to be satisfied by her generous offer or stay patiently in the moment, I turned to give her a big hug. I did not ask first or listen for her interest in the hug, I simply moved uninvited into her personal space. She startled, backed up and walked away breaking the connection. My intentions were good but I gave and took without regard for Be’s readiness or willingness to receive me. I walked back over to her and paused to speak from my heart, telling her my care for her. This time I listened for her interest and readiness. She reached her tall self to me, lowered her head as if in a bow and offered her generous presence. Accepting my hug and hugging me back, her long neck wrapped gently around me.

Horse Sense for Human Heart
The messages we most often need to speak or to hear do not have words – they are the messages of the heart. Horses exchange messages from the heart by listening to the heart of the other. They listen for what each other needs before taking action. Horses offer and receive heart messages by simply being together in each others' caring presence – sometimes standing, resting or grazing – with nothing to do and no where to go, enjoying quiet moments of togetherness.

Horses need their space. They tend to move away from that which pressures, pursues or chases them and takes their personal space. They move toward that which moves away to offer their personal space. Within this dance of space and movement toward and away, apart and together, they stay connected. In the presence of anger, judgment and blame, horses will end the dance by first choosing to run away. If they cannot run, they then may decide to strike out and fight.

Each horse is an authentic being, having an essential contribution as well as a unique place and leadership position in the herd. The survival of the herd depends on each herd member being its unique self and supporting the best in its herd members.

 Practice using fewer words with your daughter and more messages of the heart.
 Look for opportunities to simply be together with your daughter without a plan or agenda.
 Listen for what she wants before offering what you think she needs.
 Give her the space to come to you.
 Be interested in your daughter's words – without judgment – before offering your words.
 Teach your daughter the qualities you want to offer by being them yourself. Horses teach by example.

I am in an open relationship with a man I love very much. However, I sometimes feel a lot of jealousy and pain at his relationships with other women, and this prevents me from opening up to him fully. Should I look at this as an opportunity to work through those feelings, recognize this is my own response and work to change that response? Or should I look at this as an unhealthy relationship that exemplifies my own self-doubt and low self-esteem? I am interested in what the horses say.

I walked into the horse herd carrying these questions in my mind and heart: What can horses teach us about jealousy – the tangled feeling of anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, powerlessness and mistrust? What can we learn from horses that will help us if we agree to be in the challenge of an open relationship?

Two of the horses, Spirit and Thunder, were nibbling on each other's neck, an intimate act of grooming and caring. Bea watched from the corner of the pasture. Following her instinct and interest, she trotted over to the pair and moved Spirit away. Be took her place next to Thunder. Be and Thunder began nibbling on each other's neck. Spirit gave a snort of displeasure and made a decision to go and find something of more interest to her.

Horse Sense for the Human Heart
Each horse in the interaction responded from simple honesty. Each knew what it wanted and adapted to what was possible in the moment. They followed their interest and instinct. They clearly negotiated their boundaries. Not burdened with human patterns, they did not react from fear or lack of trust in themselves or confusion about their values. Being authentically who they are, each horse responded instinctively and made clear choices for their own well being.

Jealousy is about fear – the fear of losing something, not having enough, having something taken from us, fear that we will be abandoned or betrayed. It is a response about trust, our sense of worth, confidence and desirability. When we feel jealous, we feel our very survival is threatened. Complex relationships – such as open relationships – require knowing and acting from your core values, self confidence, respect, trust, boundaries and clear communication.

 When you feel resentment, fear or anger ask yourself, how am I betraying and abandoning myself and compromising what I most value?
 Value yourself; you are good enough just as you are. Jealousy might be a symptom of not knowing your worth.
 Speak the simple truth; be honest with yourself and your partner about your core values and what is right for you. Is being in an open relationship what you want and are you capable of managing its challenges?
 Trust yourself; make choices not from fear or old patterns, but from your inner wisdom in the present moment.
 Be caring with yourself; practice self-compassion instead of judgment or blame.
 Trust your instincts when something does not feel right. Too many women and men get themselves in trouble by not trusting their instincts.

Partnering with her horses, Jackie Lowe Stevenson works with individuals and groups in equine-facilitated psychotherapy, coaching and experiential learning. Jackie teaches at Case Western Reserve University and the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, and she facilitates training sessions in Israel, Turkey and Mexico. Working primarily in a yurt surrounded by forest, Jackie integrates nature, horses, energy work and vision quest with personal and spiritual development. Jackie can be reached by calling (440) 247-2217 or e-mailing jls82347@aol.com. More information also can be found on her website: www.spiritofrelationship.com.