Still getting angry at your lover despite the fact that you are on a spiritual path? Aggravated by your children? Irritated with your boss? The second of don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements, “Don't Take Anything Personally,” may be just what you need. In don Miguel's best-selling book, The Four Agreements, the modern-day Toltec spiritual leader describes four agreements that we can make with ourselves to bring more joy and happiness into our lives. By upholding these principles, we create our lives in every moment, living as artists of the Spirit and eventually mastering the art of life. Even if you do not follow the particular path known as “Toltec,” making an agreement with yourself to not take things personally will definitely in-crease your level of inner peace and happiness.

The first crucial step in following this agreement is to realize that everyone lives in his/her own world. My world is formed by my beliefs, opinions, concepts and viewpoints, and your world is shaped by yours. We each create our own world – or our own “dream” as the Toltec call it – based on many factors, including how we were raised, our religious beliefs, our societal and cultural heritages and the ideas of countless people who influenced us when we were young and up until this day. This would include parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, ministers, friends, colleagues, politicians, talk show hosts… you name it.

No one in the world has the exact same upbringing (or as don Miguel calls it, “domestication”) as anyone else. We exist in our own private universe. The opinions that are held in your personal “dream” (the illusion of this world that your ego-mind has created) are no more real or valid than the opinions in mine. Accepting this truth, how could I take it personally (to use a simple example) if you called me “ugly?” If I am following the second agreement, then I realize that you are dealing with your idea of what it means to be ugly, not mine. And, with this knowingness I realize that I do not have to agree with you. I may even recognize that any concept of what is ugly – or beautiful for that matter – is merely a concept. There is no truth behind it.

If I know without a doubt that what you say comes from your dream – not mine – what you say to me or about me can never hurt me. In fact, even if you compliment me I can choose not to take it personally because I know you are still expressing your personal beliefs – not mine!

Why then do we feel hurt when someone makes a cutting remark or disagrees with us? “Getting upset by someone else's words or actions is a clue that we have a wound that needs to be healed,” says Ed Fox, a Toltec teacher and life coach who frequently travels to Cleveland. “When you are hurt, you agree with that person's point of view and judge yourself according to it.”

“Another way to say it is that that person feeds you emotional poison,” Fox continues. “If you take it personally, you 'eat' the poison…” To keep the second agreement and not take things personally, we go back to our beliefs and see which ones are serving or not serving us. Once we have found the belief, we can symbolically cut the cord to it (e.g. “I am ugly.”) and choose a new belief (e.g. “I am beautiful!”) that is designed to create a life more to our liking.

In this example, the new belief is that I am actually quite beautiful. One of the reasons I may not have realized this before is that I may have accepted the media's version of what “beautiful” looks like. Or it might have been my teacher's view of what is “smart,” my priest's view of what is “good” or my mother's view of what is “appropriate.”

Another way to not take things personally is to realize that the person hurting you is coming from a place of fear. Even when others seem angry, it is really about their fear. Fear is insidious and can manifest itself in myriad ways. When you realize the other person is acting out of fear, how can you take it personally? The fear that is inside him/her has nothing to do with you.

Taming the Voice in Your Head
There is another important “person” you do not have to take personally, and that is the voice in your own head. You know what I am talking about, i.e., that relentless judge, the persistent doubter, the poor-me, the betrayed victim or any one of the other hundreds of personalities personifying your issues. Whether you are hearing the judge or the victim or someone else in your mind, you do not need to take what is said personally either. After all, these are just echoes from childhood. Stop taking the voice in your head personally and see what happens. It will save you a lot of personal pain, turmoil and energy.

Trust Yourself
An even deeper application of the second agreement is to consider the implications of not taking anything personally. If you do not take someone's words or actions personally, you have stopped putting your trust outside of yourself. Why give your personal power away to someone else's beliefs and opinions? Trust yourself to follow your heart, live from your integrity and authenticity. Trusting yourself is a huge step forward along any path of personal growth.

“It doesn't matter if you call this wisdom ‘Toltec’ or simply ‘personal develop-ment,’ Fox says. “Not taking things personally can help anyone – young or old, rich or poor, parents, employees, athletes or business people. Following this second agreement will bring you to higher levels of happiness and peace in your life.”

Jean Rothman is a Cleveland-based freelance writer and editor.

Toltec teacher and life coach, Ed Fox, visits Cleveland every month when he conducts public workshops and meets with small groups. His next visit is June 16-17 when he will be giving a weekend workshop called Make My Dreams Come True. Call 800-936-2218, option #2 , for information.